My expectations of my own performance in all things are high. Expectations vary because we're all different, but I've realized that my expectations in my pursuit of a higher education may not be realistic for me at this point in my life. Since I transferred into the University of Washington as a Junior at the beginning of January, I've had difficulty balancing my duties at home and my duty to school. I want to be the best I can be, and I want that to reflect in my grades. I'm enjoying studying because I'm finally interested in these topics! I love managerial economics! At the same time, my home life is suffering. My house is a disaster - dishes are piled up in the kitchen, a mountain of clothes lies in our bedroom, the toilet is disgusting, homemade meals are sporadic, Bexar needs exercise and Mountain Man needs some attention! Slowly, I'm figuring out a system that works for me, but none of those is the real problem.
The problem is my heart. I'm so focused on me and achieving good grades that I've shut everyone else out. I don't have time for anyone - not Bex, not Mountain Man, and not even God. Wow. That's difficult to type. The absence of my communication with God - reading, praying, clinging to His words, thanking Him - is evident in my selfish actions.
What woke me up? God, of course! Oh, His grace is truly amazing! How can He be so faithful when I am not? I don't deserve His love, His grace, His mercy, His redemption.
It's Him in me.
It's a slow, continual, necessary death. Mine. Dying to myself so that Christ may live in me. Death begets life. There are no words, Father, for my thankfulness.
"I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is i your reasonable service. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God." Romans 12:1-2